


Cruel

by takemylifenotmyheart



Category: Loki - Fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-09-17 02:52:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16966323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/takemylifenotmyheart/pseuds/takemylifenotmyheart
Summary: Loss. Angst. I love Loki with all my everything.





	Cruel

Loki stood in the highest balcony in the royal palace, looking down on the whole of Asgard. From up there, everything looked small and the lights twinkled on the streets. He could see the bifrost, a shimmering strip of rainbow colours in the dying light. A soft breeze was blowing, if he closed his eyes and cared less enough, he could almost pass it off as your fingers softly carding through his hair. Almost, but not quite. He wasn’t ready just yet to let go of you, your memories, how your touch felt against his skin. High up far away from everybody else he wondered if he’d ever be able to.

High up alone on the royal balcony was Loki’s favourite place to be. It wasn’t always that however, it used to be behind several particularly well hidden pillars and nooks in Odin’s court, from where he could wreck innocent mischief on the royal guests, his brother Thor and at times if he was feeling brave enough, on Odin himself too. Mostly, the innocent servants fell victim to his harmless pranks and everyone knew better than to try and catch Loki. But ever since he had met you his priorities had started shifting. Ever since he’d realized he had started falling for you, he knew he wanted to spend time alone with you, where no one could see or disturb him. That was how you both had chanced upon there.

One day while laughingly following you as you made a tour of the castle, you both stumbled onto a closed door at the end of the last, highest floor of the castle. Closed, rusted but not locked. Neither of you knew what it was, even Loki had no idea. Excited at the discovery, you had struggled a little to open it but when you finally did the view had taken your breath away. The balcony ran along the western side of the castle and it overlooked the whole of Asgard, from its striking blue oceans to the snow covered tops of mountains. The view was unparalleled, there was nothing like it that either of you had seen before and while you were looking around in amazement, drinking in the sights on all sides, Loki meanwhile was lost staring at you. You were looking all around wide and doe - eyed, stunned into silence at the incredible scenery, more beautiful than anything you could’ve ever dreamt up. The whole of Asgard lay in front of you, in all its glorious self. The traces of laughter from earlier slowly faded away to leave behind an unreadable expression on Loki’s face, something akin to awe, wonder and such an overwhelming warmth and a sense of love that overtook all of his other senses as he looked at you.

Loki’s childhood hadn’t exactly been smooth sailing, he recalled his childhood as a patchwork of bitter and sweet memories very badly sewn together, the bitter moments always overpowering and the sweet moments somehow bleak and insufficient. All his life, Loki remembers never feeling as incredibly at peace and happy as he had in that moment, simply watching you react to the simplest of things. When you’d turned around to point something out to him, the sun rays had caught your eye and your laughter was infectious to him. Not being able to control himself any longer, leaned in to press his lips gently to yours, sightseeing be goddamned. His lips were trembling in the slightest, even the great Nordic God of Mischief a weak match against the forces of love. Placing a swift peck on your lips, Loki struggled to move away, searching your eyes slightly fearfully, anticipating some kind of backlash. Instead, your eyes met his with a knowing smile as you gently took his face in between your hands and pulled him towards you once again. His eyes flashed over with surprise before allowing himself to melt into your embrace. When his lips touched yours for the second time, Loki swore that was what heaven felt like. Your soft lips pliant and swollen against his, your body pressed against his - Loki would’ve never believed such happiness was in his destiny, he couldn’t believe he deserved to be happy to begin with, let alone this ludicrously happy. It seemed fantastical to him that one single person had just waltzed into his life one day and turned everything he thought he knew about himself on its heels. Loki had been convinced he wasn’t even capable of love, and yet there you stood before him in all your fierce innocence and Loki had sworn he’d move heaven and hell and all of the nine realms if that’s what it ever took to keep anything from happening to you.

But he was cursed, of course he was. It was never in his destiny to love or to be loved, all his fate had ever chalked out for him was shades of pain, betrayal and hurt. It struck as cruel to Loki that he’d be given things he’d grow to love, only for them to be snatched away before time. After Frigga Loki had promised he wouldn’t, he was convinced no other person was worthy of his love- and then you’d come along. Loki found himself fighting a dying battle and in the end he realized surrender had never felt sweeter. Loki had thrown caution to the wind, he’d allowed himself to feel - something he hadn’t done in years, and all for what? It was all like a cruel joke, fate taunting him for daring to believe that maybe, maybe things could be different just this once. But of course he was wrong.

You were snatched from him too, like harshly plucking off a bud just while it was blossoming; before time. It was such a bitter irony that you’d died saving something that Loki believed never needed saving in the first place but true to yourself, even in death you’d put Loki’s life before yours. You’d always considered yourself as Loki’s protector, protector of evil, as you called yourself. The humour wasn’t lost on either of you, the sharp contrast between a god and a mere mortal. Yet for all his strengths and powers and for the lack of it all when it came to you, you’d died protecting him.

Loki still winced at the thought, the memories were still too fresh in his mind. Ever since that day, he’d come up to the balcony every chance he got, to be with himself and each passing day he hated himself more as your absence became increasingly real. This balcony had had a lot of their firsts, you were deeply entrenched in this balcony; it was the only place Loki came to be with you, with whatever was left of you. He’d just stand there for hours at an end; from down below a small figure dressed in green and grey could be seen every evening, doing what nobody knew. All the people knew was that the Prince was like clockwork, there was never was a day he wasn’t there, from the time of the sunset till the last hours of the night. The balcony had become his sanctuary, spending time there was the only thing that kept his mind from collapsing completely into itself out of grief. The guilt had consumed him in a way he hadn’t known was possible and it frequently shifted to anger. Anger at himself, at his own unbelievable incompetence. What use was being a God if you couldn’t even save someone you loved? Loki had too many questions he didn’t have answers to. He wondered if that was his destiny, to live out the rest of his days in uncertainty. It had been months since that day, but what was a few months in an Asgardian lifespan? Months were like minutes, and he still had an entirety to live out with the burden of his own guilt becoming heaver with each passing day.


End file.
